13 March 2019

fuzzy chalk board

"is that all you talk about?"
i am a human driven by emotions. I start nearly all of my sentences with, "I feel like..." – a trend in which I am deeply annoyed of, but somehow can't stop doing.

Here's the monkey brain of the fortnight:
1. I don't know how to behave around my ex, and I've told her so. Sometimes a door appears on the fence that guards her heart, but when I reach for the doorknob to peak inside, it vanishes.
2. I have this deep desire to write and direct, yet each time I open up a screenplay, I see everything and nothing. My mind pictures scenes so vividly, with character and light and angles that stay tight, but when I attempt to write, it's mud.
3. My future is a hand-wipe over a bullet pointed chalk board. I'm unsure who wrote it, but I keep erasing it for a reset as the chalk breaks into smaller pieces.
4. Today's sun felt like summers on the blanket with Tibby out front - a plate of wheat thins, breaking up mini soft pine cones as pollen dust blows across blades. It was the kind of warmth that glowed peach through closed eyelids. Youthful. For a brief moment, anxiety and shame and schedule vanished, all on a car wash bench with the news blaring and hoses screeching.
5. Oh, how I wish someone could tell me my next steps.