25 August 2016

Cries and Hugs and Prayers
Time for some real honesty. A stream of consciousness of my current greater existence. 
I've been thinking a lot about God recently. Or rather, thinking about considering God. I'm still unsure whether to capitalize the G. This started back in March. Not the "G" thing, that started in 7th grade. There have been a few signs recently, and whenever one occurs my mind jumps back to 7th grade Bible class with Mr. Kawakami and his "God-incidence." 
The first sign came after Kenny and I left each other. I moved in with a guy with Rick, he said he makes crosses, or wants to make crosses... A Born Again. Well, maybe it started a little earlier when that kid killed himself last year. I went as moral support for Casey at the candlelight vigil. He had German with him. And everyone was singing songs and swaying and crying. I hugged a stranger and comforted her, gave her a box of tissues. And this consolation was all around. This community of people who care about each other. So yes, that was the first sign. 
And the Starbucks woman and her daughter. Esme and Rose.  I walked to the starbucks a mile down the street with Tibby, and this woman sitting on the other side of that green rail says, "Aw, I have a dog just like that!" Tibby puts his paws up to get a back rub and rolls over for a stomach rub, he knows how to play the crowd. The daughter worked at my former kindergarten, my teacher is her boss. The mother said this is the first time she's been out after the loss of her mother. We talked a long time after that. I hugged her as she cried. She said she would pray for me every day for the rest of her life. 
And on set. The guards who prayed for me and hugged me as I cried over my uncle having cancer and they cried over family members dying from cancer. The hug felt warm as she blessed me. An internal warmth.
And my new favorite thrift store – the guy working got the job because he met the owner at church.
And Matt's highlighted bible.
And the only car I left a note on to ask permission to film ended up being the car of my former professor of theology.
And everyone in Puerto Rico.
So it's like God is saying "Hey! I'm here, look at all these signs pointing back to me! Listen!" and I've had ear muffs on.

I'm going to church with Johanna and her family on Sunday. Maybe it's time to listen.

St. Petersburg | Russia | July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

21 August 2016

Sleepy Stockholm

I don't know how people can sleep in public. My dad has the ability to fall asleep anywhere and on any surface. Tour busses, airplanes before liftoff, air mattresses with cousins playing cards until two AM in the next room. We rode our bikes to old town Stockholm and stumbled upon this cute hidden gem — a giant tree in the middle of winding hallways and buildings. We took a break on the benches in front of this cafe. Two minutes in, my dad fell asleep sitting up.

Stockholm | Sweden | 16 July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400 

19 August 2016

Going Away to College
Blink 182 had a lasting impact on my life freshman year -- shout out to Prof. Jenkins! My little sister is going off to college this morning, with a car full of sentimental and decorative crap that she'll most likely bring home during winter break. She and her friends threw a last hurrah party at home, and I'm again reminded of how different we are. We've been getting along recently. I baked cookies for her friends (a mob of boys - pigeons, vultures - hovering over the oven for warm gooey goodness) and took a few photos, but mostly let them chill together before they all spread out across the country. 
Sofia: thanks for being my model, telling me about the newest makeup/highlight craze, and driving me to get Carmela's that one time after I came back from Germany and got lost in a vortex of mindful nonexistence... you know, sister stuff. 

Riga | Latvia | 22 July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

15 August 2016

Relationship Goals
 I want someone who will bundle up under a blanket with me while the The Princess Bride is on, shouting "inconceivable!" when I sneak my cold, naked feet under their butt for warmth. someone who doesn't mind pausing it when I have to pee again cause they know I have a small bladder and hate to miss things, and I don't like asking "What'd I miss?" when they're trying to watch ... I want someone who won't mind when I absentmindedly fiddle with their hair at a stop light while a woman walks her goldendoodle along the crosswalk in front of us. The dog's name is probably something new-age and green like Kashi or Mango. We'll go up high to see the night sky or the stretch of the city with remnants of orange lights and I'll mention "sonder" and they'll get it. and we'll be in awe about life and the universe and all those people out there, and all those stars up there... bewildered that last week we were watching The Princess Bride on the couch and now we are just two people in a city of thousands, a country of millions – billions – out there, huddled together or alone on their phone. A shooting star catches my eye. You kiss my forehead and whisper in my ear, "inconceivable!" We take our time walking back to the car.

Stockholm | Sweden | 15 July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

bubble clouds in crowds
I don't know where this kid's family was, but he spent the majority of the day jumping up and popping bubbles. And the guy making this giant rainbow cloud of fun had a good time making this little boy's day. I remember days after school at the Cushman's house, Courtney and I blowing bubbles into little Grant's face. He, Scott and sometimes Sarah would run around and clap them gone, point and pop until the bubbles ran out, until time ran out. We'd go inside, finish our math equations until Dad picked me up. Tomorrow: more popping, only this time with water balloons. No holding back. 

Copenhagen | Denmark | 26 July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

12 August 2016


While my family went to shop at NK, I rode my rented bike to Moderna Museet, Stockholm's vast modern art museum. I walked by the propaganda room, my eyes drawn to the red, white and black on the wall. Also drawn to the posters was an old man. He became a museum piece to me. His age and his stillness captured my attention. His eyes took in posters about cleaning windows and women working,  anti-fascism and the Soviet peace policy, fighting against the Nazis. I love old men. I love their stories, which I so rarely heard as a kid. Two and a half grandpas, close to none. Their eyes hold history, and it's a shame I didn't get a look at his. 

Stockholm | Sweden | 16 July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

10 August 2016

old school cool
Dad bought this leather jacket in Tallinn (I think?). 
Dad and I were bored waiting for Sofia and mom to get some souvenirs, so I asked him to model for me. 

St. Petersburg | Russia | 19 July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

08 August 2016


Copenhagen | Denmark | 25 July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

07 August 2016

Saint Petersburg | Russia | July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

05 August 2016

child's play

Copenhagen | Denmark | July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

04 August 2016

magic hour forever
Copenhagen | Denmark | July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400

02 August 2016

lost in thought
Riga | Latvia | July 2016 | Pentax MX | Portra 400